You will want to read about my beauty box

There are people who do nothing but get beauty boxes and then talk about them on the internet. How in the world do they do this? I already have way too many bathroom products and I NEVER (or, RARELY) buy bathroom stuff - it takes forever to use up, and I end up with half a million half-empty bottles of things. And here are these ladies getting multiple beauty boxes every month! How much lipstick can one person possibly wear! And eye shadow! I still have eyeliner that I bought in 6th grade! No I don't wear eye makeup anymore but even if I did I don't see how you could go through so much stuff so quickly. Am I crazy?

Yes, I am, because instead of leading such a luxious life (I made up the word 'luxious') where all I do is receive beauty boxes and then blog about them, here I am sitting at my dumb desk at my dumb job trying to earn enough money to buy myself some goddamn pants if I could ever find a pair that weren't stupid, NOT getting beauty boxes all the time and NOT blogging about it or posting judgmentally on message boards about how my most recent beauty box sucks because my eyelashes are too long and I can't wear mascara.

Etc. I'm sure you understand.

Now, here's my review of my first beauty box!

I subscribed to the Blush Mystery Beauty Box. There are cheaper ones but this one is the best because it is. Oh god I was so excited to get this! I'd been tracking its shipping status obsessively for a week - it stayed in North Dakota for two days - and when it finally arrived I was about to spontaneously combust.

Things in the box:

Mor Emporium Hand Cream in Snow Gardenia - I haven't opened this, it's still sealed, but you can still smell it and it smells delightful. This will probably be one of those things that I think is so nice I won't want to ever use and I'll still have it in five years.

Anastasia Beverly Hills Lash Genius Waterproof Topcoat - This is from Beverly Hills! This is what movie stars and socialites wear when they go to Starbucks or whatever! I don't wear mascara because it makes me look like a clumpy raccoon, and also why should women have to have long, dark eyelashes? Mine are already long and dark and it hasn't done a thing for me in life. But hey, remember when we used to wear clear mascara? I decided to use this stuff as clear mascara rather than as a waterproofing topcoat for other mascara, but it drove me crazy, and I saw that my eyelashes were too long and, you know, light at the ends, and I looked like some multi-colored raccoonish monster, so I went home and trimmed my eyelashes, which I have done a few times in my life but never before as a mature adult. I am much happier now. I haven't tried wearing this Lash Genius stuff again.

Skylark Memoir Fragrance Collection - These are three bottles of roll-on perfume in a very special and fancy box. Perfume is another thing that never, ever gets used up, but that's also probably because I wear perfume one time a year. So I see these things lasting the rest of my life. But they are roll-on, so you can put them in your elbow pits. I guess they smell fine, they are not overpowering, probably because they are roll-on. Maybe I'll start wearing perfume more often? Probably I will forget I own these.

Eminence Strawberry Rhubarb Dermafoliant - This is Hungarian and came with no directions and I was like, what? What? But I found out what you do - you add some of this to your face soap and voilà! I did that and voilà! It was fine. My face is very soft and smooth these days. Me gusta, Hungary! This came in a little travel-sized container. If I had my druthers I'd buy me a big container of it after I use up this little container, but I probably will forget all about it.

Coola SPF 30 Face Classic Sunscreen-Cucumber - I'll probably never use this but I'm sure it's lovely. This is a travel-sized tube. Maybe I should try it but, you know, you can only put so much SPF moisterizer on your face in any given day.

Pixi Beauty Endless Silky Eye Pen - No.5 Deep Plum - I don't wear eyeliner either, not since junior high when I was wearing all that blue eyeliner, but maybe I should start. Plum? I don't know. It looks lovely.

Colorescience Sunforgettable Face Primer SPF 30 - This is more sunscreeny face stuff and it also evens your skin tone, apparently. This is travel-sized and, etc.

Philip B. Maui Wowie Beach Mist - This is something you spray on your hair to make it look like you are a Hawaiian model who has just been swimming in the ocean. This stuff contains crap from the ocean like sea salt and algae and it's also blue so you know it's legit. I guess the salt makes your hair seem thicker, which is something some people want. Me, I don't. People who have fine, thin hair: you are lucky! Your hair is fine! I've always wanted that! Anyway, this hair mist stuff is nice, and if you accidentally get your hair in your mouth it will taste like salt, FYI. What I wish is that my hair wouldn't stick out so much, but that's my fault for cutting it short. This stuff sort of helps turn your hair from poofed to dirty awesome, but my hair can be quite the challenge and repoofs over the course of the day sometimes.

The whole thing came in a little black bag made of that material that they make reusable shopping bags out of. It says Blush Beauty Box. I will never use it for anything.

Oh, also, I got two samples from Blush - a little shampoo bottle and a little eye cream sample. I really like the eye cream but have not tried the shampoo.

Overall, this beauty box is the best thing to have happened to me this month! I love it so much, even though I don't need it at all and it's completely ridiculous for me to be subscribing to a "BEAUTY BOX". I have never heard of anything dumber except that it's fantastic. It's the only thing that will make September bearable to me, and then October, and then November, etc! Hurray! Oh wow! These things will come every month until I tell them to stop! What other silly subscriptions can I sign up for! Underwear? Musical instruments? Stereo equipment? Houseplants? God, what a fantastic concept.

What will they send next month! When will it come! I can hardly wait.