new news updates of little import

My Blush Mystery Beauty Box will get here after I've left for Alaska. :( The revealed item this month is basically a very dull razor that you drag over your body when you're in the shower. It won't shave off your hairs. It will exfoliate your body, your forehead, and the sides of your nose. This very dull razor will last for a year. I don't know why it wouldn't last longer - it's a piece of stainless steel that you rub on your skin. Probably it gets all gunked up with dead skin cells. Gross! Now I don't know for sure, but this item may be the answer to all my problems. Or it might not be. The person who was the... curator, or whatever, this month, is a plastic surgeon in Los Angeles. What other items do you think will be in the box! Hopefully something like... super nice tweezers, or a new kitten. I've cheated and read a review of a person complaining that there was a hair mask in it. I have hair and look forward to that.

And now, if you will, please indulge me while I talk about some previous beauty box products.

The Lisa Hoffman Madagascar Orchid Moisturizing Body Cleanse is amazing. It is made with magic and silk that will make you magically silky. It costs $30. Is a bottle of soap worth $30? No, that's ridiculous. But if you were a person who wanted to spend $30 on body wash, this would be the shit to buy. I do not receive any compensation for this review.

As you are well aware, I've been using the SmartLash Eyelash Enhancer, which you can get for either $125 or $30, depending on how controversial you want to be. I can't tell, is this doing anything? Maybe it's not fair to the SmartLash crap to have used the Lipocils Expert stuff before this. I don't even know. Did that stuff work? I can't tell. I have eyelashes, that's all I know at this point. I guess what I mean is, I kind of thought I could tell a difference with the Lipocils stuff, and I kind of can't tell any difference with the SmartLash stuff. But that's probably because my eyelashes are so amazing already, any improvement would cause earthquakes or similar.

The LVX fingernail polish remains a hardworking friend. My fingernails are long and strong like they've never been. This shit is for real, friends! Use and prosper.

I have been using the pūr~lisse pūr-protect Essential Daily Moisturizer for a few weeks and me gusta, hombre. My chin broke out mysteriously and grossly a few weeks ago but if it were from the moisturizer the rest of my face would have also broken out, so I think it's unrelated. This moisturizer has a silly name that only the cool kids know how to pronounce, and that's off-putting and obnoxious, but the product itself is lovely.

December Blush box

Beauty box came today! Here's everything you ever wanted to know about it:

Lisa Hoffman Beauty Madagascar Orchid Moisturizing Body Cleanse. There are about 10 more words in the official name of this product but you get the picture. This is very fancy stuff. You put it in the bath with you and it will nourish you.

Nailtiques Avocado Foot Crème. This is very fancy stuff pour les pieds. It has French on it so obviously it's very fancy. I haven't opened it to smell because I have so much foot crèmes pour mis pieds already. Foot crèmes coming out of mis orielles!

NYX Love in Paris eye shadow palette. At first I was like, uh, eye shadow? But now I'm like, eh, okay. This looks like high-quality stuff and I might as well own some eye shadow that's not blue, right?

REN Hydra-calm Global Protection Day Cream. GLOBAL protection! This is another tube of stuff for your face. It's got omegas and other oils and it's for sensitive skin, which is good because that's what I've got. This looks nice.

Neova Make-up Remover. Oh good, makeup remover, because now I've got all this makeup that will need to be removed.

Murad Advanced Active Radiance Serum. Oh good, active radiance serum.

NeoStrata Exfoliating Wash. Oh good, exfoliating wash. I'm not being sarcastic about that. I'm glad to have gotten this and will try it out.

Éminence Stone Crop Body Lotion. Guys, this is from that Hungarian company that sent the amazing strawberry exfoliating stuff a couple months ago! That stuff is fabulous! This is probably fine as well.

Sultra Clip-In Color Hair Extension in Ultra Pink. Okay. This is 100% premium Indian Remy Human Hair. Is this where the hair I've donated goes to? Oh my god. What? Why. Pink. Does anyone want this? Someone on the internet got cheetah-patterned. If I'd gotten a cheetah-print hair extension I would have... I don't know what I would have done, but I would have done something.

Cotz Face Sunscreen. This is a sample of face sunscreen, just a small sample.

SweetSpot Labs on-the-go wipettes. Guys! This might be the most exciting thing yet! This is a wipette for your hoohaw! It says it's a "luxury wipette to keep your sweet spot set." It says, "One wipette per use and toss. Smile all day." Smile all day? Hmm, why, SweetSpot? Also, why would I wipe my hoohaw? Wouldn't this be better served on the bum? Or is the bum the sweet spot? Is that what you're talking about? I can't tell. I'd just assume the sweet spot would be the hoohaw. If you mean bum, just say bum. I don't know what to do with this.

So that's it! Well done, Blush Mystery Beauty Box! So exciting! A+++ Oh god, what will come next month!!! Hooray!!! Thank you for reading this far.

Exciting update

I've been using the Talika Lipocils Expert stuff that came in the October Blush box for a week or something. This, remember, is goop that you put on your eyelids that is supposed to grow, darken, and curl your eyelashes. How much grosser can you get? Eww. I'm using this stuff so I can throw out the tube and then start using the other eyelash crap they sent in November so my bathroom floor doesn't collapse from the weight of nine million little bottles of stuff.

I didn't think this would work. Imagine my delight, though, when I looked into the mirror yesterday and saw a vaguely raccoonish face looking back at me! "Look at that elegant painted lady!" I exclaimed. "Is she wearing mascara? She must be! Look at her huge hairy eyelashes!" But she wasn't wearing mascara! Her huge hairy eyelashes were mascaraless.

I don't know what the deal is but my eyelashes are huge and hairy now. I trimmed these suckers a few months ago and now I might as well be wearing false eyelashes. But this is disgusting. What if I started putting this eyelash crap on my scalp? Or my cheek? Would dark curly hair start growing? HOW does this make your eyelashes grow, darken, and curl? Why are people so weird? I still get foreign particles in my eyes - what do eyelashes even do other than smudge up your glasses and sunglasses? Whoever decided to start putting black goopy shit on their eyelashes, and what's the etymology of 'mascara'? Why don't we name girls Mascara? What will happen when I stop using this eyelash stuff? Etc.

I am becoming a real woman, and a real woman blogger

Guys, scandal surrounds this month's beauty box! They said in the tease video that the products would be worth over $250! $250? For $250 ANYTHING could be in there - a mini-fridge, or in-vitro fertilization, or one of those giant eyeshadow palettes with every shade imaginable! Oh god, so exciting!!!! But THEN someone finds out that one of the products that they're saying is worth $125 is something they sell for $30. $30? For $30 I could buy some used toilet paper! Fuck that shit, man! It's outrageous!

But I am not outraged. The beauty box is the only good thing in my life right now besides the puppy. I don't care about makeup or dollars, I'm just excited to get a fancy, fancy surprise on my doorstep every month.

Here's what's in the box this month:

Cargo High Pigment Pencil in Brown - Now that I am kind of a huge expert on makeup and other lady things, I can say that this eyeliner is the bombdiggity. It makes you look like a million bucks! I'm wearing it right now! A+++

Elizabeth Arden Beautiful Color Maximum Volume Mascara - People on the internet are pissed about this because it wasn't sealed. This brings the number of tubes of mascara that I own up to 3. Or 4. I am set for life, because I do not wear mascara. (However last night I did put on the Cargo eyeliner and some mascara and I looked like a fabulous and attractive gentlewoman, so maybe I will start wearing it on special occasions.)

Anastasia Beverly Hills Mini HydraFull Gloss in Sorbet - This is from Beverly Hills, guys! This is what the famous ladies wear when they go to Starbucks! This is a tiny, tiny bottle of hot pink lip gloss. People on the internet are pissed about this because it's so tiny. But shit, man, how much lip gloss do you wear at any given time? Not much. It's hot pink, but it doesn't make your lips hot pink, because it's gloss. It just makes your lips all shiny. (Helpful tip: if you're out riding a bike during the fall, don't wear lip gloss, because all the little bugs will get stuck to your lips and die. Gross.)

pūr~lisse pūr~protect SPF 30 Essential Daily Moisturizer - How the crap are you supposed to pronounce the name of this? This is some fancy $55 moisturizer. I'm sure it's great, but I won't get to try it for a few months because I have a whole bottle of that Coola moisturizer that I bought after getting a sample of it in my first beauty box. Or maybe I should use this first. Do you care? I'm sorry, you don't.

Nick Chavez Horsetail Root Lifting Spray - Horsetail? Root lifting? If there's anything I don't want my hair to do, it's lift. I'm sure this is a nice product, and I'll probably give this to my mom for her birthday, because she likes lift.

SmartLash Eyelash Enhancer - This is the thing people are most pissed about. It supposedly costs $125, even though you can get it for $30. I don't care what it's worth, myself. This is something that's supposed to enhance your eyelashes. I think that's creepy. A month or two ago they gave us a little bottle of something similar. I started using that but quickly forgot about it. I'll use up that bottle first, and then I'll use this. In a couple months I will have incredibly hairy eyes. Maybe I'll get into the National Enquirer.

Paula's Choice Resist Ultra-Light Super Antioxident Concentrate Serum - This is a little tube of stuff. I have other little tubes of stuff that I need to use before I use this one. God, these things are starting to come out of my ears.

Updates from previous months - I'm close to done with the Racinne Ultimate Youth Power stuff. It's fine. I don't know, maybe it did turn me into a powerful youth again. I was going to say it hadn't, but maybe it has. I like the Mirabella blush (it's something to wear in the evening! I've never had evening shit before!) and I like the Myface Cosmetics Lip Pop Gloss, even if it is super dark and even if I now have more lip gloss than dogs.

Fingernail polish: The reason it doesn't take other people decades to go through a bottle of nail polish is that you can only wear colored nail polish for a day or two before it gets all shitty and you have to remove it and repaint. The Butter nail polish that we got last month is an awful color but everyone else on the internet loves it. I prefer the purple LVX stuff from September. They are both awfully fancy and high quality. Even I can tell that.

I used the Alterna Caviar Anti-Aging dry shampoo a couple times but it didn't hide the fact that I needed to wash my hair. My hair may or may not seem more youthful because of it. I don't really know how to use dry shampoo.

That's it in beauty box news for now! Yesterday I accidentally spent hundreds of dollars on things so I have some really exciting deliveries coming. I bought a pink skirt!!!!! I need more shoes.

October Blush Mystery Beauty Box Review

Chella Highlighter Pencil – Honestly I have no idea how you're supposed to use this without looking like a cartoon outlined in white. But I will use it(?). When I remember that I have it. Which so far has only happened once.

Butter London Nail Lacquer Vernis - This is fancy coral pink fingernail polish that doesn't have bad stuff like formaldehyde or strychnine in it. I put it on my toes and it looks very bright, and actually kind of hideous. I now own about six bottles of fingernail polish, enough to last me the rest of my life.

Mirabella Mineral Highlighting Powder - This is fancy blush, pressed all ridgey and swirly and purdy. Fancy! I still have blush that I got from my friend's mom as a high school graduation present. With this addition I now have enough blush to last me the rest of my life.

Myface Cosmetics Lip Pop Gloss - The color I got is a dark brick red, and I was not pleased, until I put it on! It's nice. I am pleased. I now have enough lip color to last me the rest of my life.

Theraplex FT Exfoliating Emollient - Haven't opened. This can be used for keratosis pilaris, which I don't have. It can be used on the feet, too, but now I've got three (or more) fancy foot creams, which, again, will probably last me the rest of my life.

Miracle Skin Transformer Face - Haven't opened. This is tinted skin stuff. You guys! I only have one face, and it can only exist one day at a time! How will I use up all these products!

Talika Lipocils Expert - This is goop that you put on your eyelids. It says it will grow, darken, and curl your eyelashes. First of all, I doubt that's true at all, and second of all, disgusting! However I am using it, because I don't want to have another tube of stuff sitting in my bathroom forever. I'll let you know what happens with my eyelashes, which, as you will recall, I recently trimmed because they were too long and dumb. I am not successful at being a lady.

Karin Herzog Vitamin H Cream - What is this? I don't know. I'll tell you later.

Beauty Box Updates From Last Month

I have decided to use the brow gel because my eyebrows tend to become unruly in the fall. Yes, I read someone's comment online that said that, and I thought there was no way that could be true, but because of the power of suggestion I have decided I am experiencing the same phenomenon. I have also started using the Racinne Deluxe Travel Set - that little set is valued at 70 bucks! It's nice and I have become a youth again.

Guys. I've gotten these beauty boxes for three months now and I don't know how much longer I can take it. How the crap does anyone use all this stuff? I'm going to have to give things away. I'm still hugely happy with my beauty box subscription - it's the most exciting thing going on in my life besides the puppy coming upstairs now - and I recommend it to anyone who is bored or feeling sorry for themselves or has $25 a month to spend on things to fill up their bathroom. But I'm going to have to unsubscribe someday, I think. It's too much. Everyone will be getting random beauty products from me for Christmas.

lady highlights

One of the items in the October Blush Mystery Beauty Box will be a highlighter pencil in ivory lace! I'd never heard of a "highlighter pencil" before! I thought highlights were for hair, but no! It turns out you can highlight shit on your face. Like, you can put this stuff around your eyes and your nose and your eyebrows and your mouth and it will change you from an awful ugg-face into a lovely painted lady. I'm guessing that the potential for disaster here is very high.

I ordered a full-sized thing of that Coola moisturizer from Blush and I also got, for free, blue liquid eyeshadow! And Dremu Oil! Dremu Oil is emu oil mixed in with dreams, and it's very expensive. I got a large bottle of emu oil from the farm where I worked in Australia - I think she had me pay her $20AUD for it. (Is the D redundant when you have a $?) These Dremu people want $50US(D?) for half an ounce. They say it gets rid of age spots, stretch marks, acne, wrinkles, burns, bug bites, etc. etc. etc. It will regrow the hair on your head and make the hair on your upper lip go away, and it will help you sleep better and lose weight, and it will shave at least 20 minutes off your marathon time and 2 hours off your 50-mile time. Also if you use it long enough you'll be able to hover for 1 to 2 minutes per day, although you should wear protective gear if you're trying to go up stairs or anything like that because your hover abilities may fail without warning.

Important post about my face with helpful bolding for your reading pleasure

What's going on? I don't know. All I know is that suddenly I got not one or two but five zits on my face. After all these months of elegance! Why would my face break out this week? I don't know. What's changed? The weather has changed, is that it? That's dumb though, why would my face care about the end of summer? One zit is understandable, but five? That's indicative of something. But what? iOS 7? All the tomatoes I've been eating? The jackets I have to wear now? What is it, face?

Since I'm obsessed with my face right now it's a perfect time for (please keep in mind the previously mentioned problem is completely unrelated to what I'm going to talk about next)...

September Beauty Box Review, and August Beauty Box Update!

Sweet jesus! !!! Oh if only I could stay at home all day every day using up all my beauty products! I'd sign up for all the other beauty boxes!!! I'd start a blog!!! Shit man, I love getting this thing in the mail. Makes my month. September is the second month I've gotten this.

In this month's beauty box:

LVX Nail Lacquer - This isn't some shitty fingernail polish, guys, this is nail lacquer! It's non-toxic and vegan - good news for people who bite their fingernails, like me. The color I got is a light grayish purple. Other people got bright green, or brown, or blue. This is fine. I painted my toenails with it, even though I resent the idea that ladies are supposed to have colored claws on their feet. Does it take anyone else at least a decade to get through a bottle of fingernail polish? What do the ladies who sign up for multiple beauty boxes do with all this stuff?

Anastasia Beverly Hills Clear Brow Gel - This is the sister thing to the clear waterproofing mascara stuff we got last month. This is from Beverly Hills, guys! You put it on your eyebrows to keep them from becoming unruly. I read someone's review that said in the fall her eyebrows always get crazy. That seems very weird and fictional to me, but whatever. I don't know if I'll use this or give it away. I'm sure it's nice, but do I need brow gel? I don't know. I'll tell you next month.

Pop Beauty Pouty Pop Crayon in Fuchsia Flirt - It's hot pink. That's fine, some people will like this, I don't wear hot pink lip color. I'll give this away. I'm sure it's rad, if you like that kind of stuff. Apparently you can use it as blush as well as lip color.

BRAD Biophotonic Skincare Ultra Peel - This is a tiny bottle of some super expensive shit. It will remove brown spots and even out skin tone, it says. I'll give this a try, even though I'm scared. I'm sure it's fancy.

Alterna Caviar Anti-Aging Dry Shampoo - This is another tiny bottle of super expensive shit. It's got caviar in it? Hair needs anti-aging stuff? I had no idea. I don't like shampooing my hair all the time, so I'm glad to get some fancy dry shampoo. I got a cheap bottle of spray dry shampoo a year or two ago and it was dumb, so maybe the fancier stuff will work better.

Racinne Deluxe Travel Set, including: Ultimate Youth Power Mask, Serum, Cream, and Neck Emulsion - This is the fanciest thing ever, an entire set of very fancy little bottles of face stuff! I haven't tried it because I already have enough face stuff, but I read someone's review that said they liked it. I'll start using it someday.

AmLactin Triple Action Alpha-Hydroxy Therapy Foot Cream - Funny thing, my feet were perfectly fine this summer, I don't know why. Normally (you don't want to know this) my heels get all cracked and dirty and bad from running around in flip-flops so much, but this year they were fine. I ordered some fancy foot cream from Origins a couple months ago and only used it once. I just haven't needed it. So I don't know if I need this. I like foot cream because my feet always tend to be dry, and my feet like the attention because they're always tired from running, but I'm not sure about the alpha-hydroxiness of this. Maybe I'll use it elsewhere on my body - my elbows, perhaps - or maybe I'll give it to someone for Christmas.

UPDATES FROM LAST MONTH:

I used up the Coola Cucumber Face Sunscreen and I really liked it. It smells good and spreads well. Mucho gusto.

I used the Philip B. sea salt hair mist for a while and only noticed that it made my hair salty. My hair would poof into an amorphous blob as normal and I didn't look like a Hawaiian model who had just emerged from the ocean. Would be better if my hair weren't so naughty. But I recently figured out how to control my hair, kind of: form some ringlets so it dries downward rather than out! Maybe I should try the hair mist again now that I'm doing this, but now that summer is over the sea salt hair mist seems so decadent and off-topic.

Fancy little perfumes - Used one that I didn't like and had to wash it off. I'm just not a perfume person. Also it smelled bad. Should I give these away or keep on trying to use them?

I'm almost embarrassed to tell you that I've been using the Pixi Beauty Endless Silky Eye Pen a couple times a week - put it on, wipe it off, and it's like you're still wearing eyeliner but not super noticeable. It lasts for days! You're probably not supposed to do that.

Haven't dermafoliated with the Hungarian stuff in a while but that stuff is strawberry-nice. I recommend it so much. Now that I am a beauty blogger you can listen to me.

I have used the Mor Emporium Hand Cream in Snow Gardenia twice - it smells very nice and is very nice and like I predicted it is so nice I don't want to use it up. I will have this bottle and love it the rest of my life.

A+++! Blush Mystery Beauty Box! Life of luxury, leisure, and glamour! Very soon I will be an unapologetic painted lady! I will probably be very gross and opinionated. I'm sorry, I get carried away. I need to get off the internet.