Thursday, November 21, 2013

Exciting update

I've been using the Talika Lipocils Expert stuff that came in the October Blush box for a week or something. This, remember, is goop that you put on your eyelids that is supposed to grow, darken, and curl your eyelashes. How much grosser can you get? Eww. I'm using this stuff so I can throw out the tube and then start using the other eyelash crap they sent in November so my bathroom floor doesn't collapse from the weight of nine million little bottles of stuff.

I didn't think this would work. Imagine my delight, though, when I looked into the mirror yesterday and saw a vaguely raccoonish face looking back at me! "Look at that elegant painted lady!" I exclaimed. "Is she wearing mascara? She must be! Look at her huge hairy eyelashes!" But she wasn't wearing mascara! Her huge hairy eyelashes were mascaraless.

I don't know what the deal is but my eyelashes are huge and hairy now. I trimmed these suckers a few months ago and now I might as well be wearing false eyelashes. But this is disgusting. What if I started putting this eyelash crap on my scalp? Or my cheek? Would dark curly hair start growing? HOW does this make your eyelashes grow, darken, and curl? Why are people so weird? I still get foreign particles in my eyes - what do eyelashes even do other than smudge up your glasses and sunglasses? Whoever decided to start putting black goopy shit on their eyelashes, and what's the etymology of 'mascara'? Why don't we name girls Mascara? What will happen when I stop using this eyelash stuff? Etc.

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