Tuesday, November 12, 2013

I am becoming a real woman, and a real woman blogger

Guys, scandal surrounds this month's beauty box! They said in the tease video that the products would be worth over $250! $250? For $250 ANYTHING could be in there - a mini-fridge, or in-vitro fertilization, or one of those giant eyeshadow palettes with every shade imaginable! Oh god, so exciting!!!! But THEN someone finds out that one of the products that they're saying is worth $125 is something they sell for $30. $30? For $30 I could buy some used toilet paper! Fuck that shit, man! It's outrageous!

But I am not outraged. The beauty box is the only good thing in my life right now besides the puppy. I don't care about makeup or dollars, I'm just excited to get a fancy, fancy surprise on my doorstep every month.

Here's what's in the box this month:

Cargo High Pigment Pencil in Brown - Now that I am kind of a huge expert on makeup and other lady things, I can say that this eyeliner is the bombdiggity. It makes you look like a million bucks! I'm wearing it right now! A+++

Elizabeth Arden Beautiful Color Maximum Volume Mascara - People on the internet are pissed about this because it wasn't sealed. This brings the number of tubes of mascara that I own up to 3. Or 4. I am set for life, because I do not wear mascara. (However last night I did put on the Cargo eyeliner and some mascara and I looked like a fabulous and attractive gentlewoman, so maybe I will start wearing it on special occasions.)

Anastasia Beverly Hills Mini HydraFull Gloss in Sorbet - This is from Beverly Hills, guys! This is what the famous ladies wear when they go to Starbucks! This is a tiny, tiny bottle of hot pink lip gloss. People on the internet are pissed about this because it's so tiny. But shit, man, how much lip gloss do you wear at any given time? Not much. It's hot pink, but it doesn't make your lips hot pink, because it's gloss. It just makes your lips all shiny. (Helpful tip: if you're out riding a bike during the fall, don't wear lip gloss, because all the little bugs will get stuck to your lips and die. Gross.)

pūr~lisse pūr~protect SPF 30 Essential Daily Moisturizer - How the crap are you supposed to pronounce the name of this? This is some fancy $55 moisturizer. I'm sure it's great, but I won't get to try it for a few months because I have a whole bottle of that Coola moisturizer that I bought after getting a sample of it in my first beauty box. Or maybe I should use this first. Do you care? I'm sorry, you don't.

Nick Chavez Horsetail Root Lifting Spray - Horsetail? Root lifting? If there's anything I don't want my hair to do, it's lift. I'm sure this is a nice product, and I'll probably give this to my mom for her birthday, because she likes lift.

SmartLash Eyelash Enhancer - This is the thing people are most pissed about. It supposedly costs $125, even though you can get it for $30. I don't care what it's worth, myself. This is something that's supposed to enhance your eyelashes. I think that's creepy. A month or two ago they gave us a little bottle of something similar. I started using that but quickly forgot about it. I'll use up that bottle first, and then I'll use this. In a couple months I will have incredibly hairy eyes. Maybe I'll get into the National Enquirer.

Paula's Choice Resist Ultra-Light Super Antioxident Concentrate Serum - This is a little tube of stuff. I have other little tubes of stuff that I need to use before I use this one. God, these things are starting to come out of my ears.

Updates from previous months - I'm close to done with the Racinne Ultimate Youth Power stuff. It's fine. I don't know, maybe it did turn me into a powerful youth again. I was going to say it hadn't, but maybe it has. I like the Mirabella blush (it's something to wear in the evening! I've never had evening shit before!) and I like the Myface Cosmetics Lip Pop Gloss, even if it is super dark and even if I now have more lip gloss than dogs.

Fingernail polish: The reason it doesn't take other people decades to go through a bottle of nail polish is that you can only wear colored nail polish for a day or two before it gets all shitty and you have to remove it and repaint. The Butter nail polish that we got last month is an awful color but everyone else on the internet loves it. I prefer the purple LVX stuff from September. They are both awfully fancy and high quality. Even I can tell that.

I used the Alterna Caviar Anti-Aging dry shampoo a couple times but it didn't hide the fact that I needed to wash my hair. My hair may or may not seem more youthful because of it. I don't really know how to use dry shampoo.

That's it in beauty box news for now! Yesterday I accidentally spent hundreds of dollars on things so I have some really exciting deliveries coming. I bought a pink skirt!!!!! I need more shoes.

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