Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Gaspillage d'argent! Sacrébleu!

I need to stop reading online beauty box reviews. They're so whiny and critical. Everyone is constantly disappointed by their beauty box subscriptions. They're mad because the sizes are too small or they don't like the colors. They're mad when they get something they've never used and they're mad when they get something they've already used. They're mad when someone else on the internet gets something they didn't get. They're mad when there are hair products and they're mad when there aren't hair products.

Stop harshing my open limbic system, a-holes! You guys are snotty jerks! Of course you're not going to like everything in your beauty box! If you only want things you want, you should unsubscribe from your beauty box and buy the things you want yourself!

The Blush Mystery Beauty Box is the best mystery beauty box in the world! It is mysterious and beautiful. I have been subscribed since August, and I've gotten some really great things that I never would have tried otherwise ($30 body wash). I've also gotten things that I make fun of (nail wraps), and I've gotten things that scare me (pink human hair), and I've gotten things that I didn't know I needed but now can't live without (fingernail polish). Thus far, however, I still have received no products for my ears. Nothing. Now that I think about it, that's an absolute outrage. It's very disappointing. Blush hates ears! Blush is anti-ear!

Here are the products in the March Blush Mystery Beauty Box:

There's something calling itself Spackle. Spackle! Like the stuff you put on your walls! Except this is for your face! Specifically, this is Laura Geller Beauty Spackle Under Makeup Primer. How dare they send this to me, knowing how uncomfortable I am with the concept of facial spackly stuff. Blush and Laura Geller are basically telling me that my face is drywall. It's unbelievable.

The box also contains StriVectin-SD Intensive Concentrate for Stretch Marks and Wrinkles. I am so offended by this. The implication that I need something for stretch marks and wrinkles is the height of impudence. Also, I don't know what SD stands for. San Diego? Stand Down? Or does it stand for Stupid Dummy? The potential for insult just increases the more you think about this. Highly offensive product.

We also got Miracle Skin Transformer Hydroactive Microderm. This is from the same company that made the product that gave me a huge existential meltdown a couple months ago. And here they send another product from them! Are they trying to destroy my mental health on purpose? I pay money for this!

We also got Talika Eye Therapy Patches. This is great because Talika is the company that made that eyelash goop that actually (maybe) worked, but this is terrible because these come in a little foil packet. The two eye patches are actually worth more than $10 but I can hardly enjoy them because the packaging does not meet my high standards. These patches, which can be used three times, are supposed to deliver moisturizing and anti-aging ingredients directly to the skin by osmosis. Well I don't believe in osmosis and I don't like them pushing their religious beliefs on me. It's called the First Amendment, people.

Suki washcloth. This is a 100% organic washcloth made from the highest quality cotton. It is a cream color. How dare they pry into my personal life like this.

Skinceuticals Hydrating B5 Gel. This is the featured product picked out by this month's curator, a BOY. This is the tiniest, cutest dropper bottle of stuff ever invented and I can't bring myself to say anything bad about it, except that it's not as tiny and cute as the teensy-tiny 3mL dropper bottle for the super expensive Dremu oil. Actually, comparing the two, this Skinceuticals bottle is ungainly and gauche. Too huge! Gross.

DCL Oil Free Ultra Light Hydrator. This is the hugest bottle of face moisturizer I've ever seen in my life, 3.5 oz. So they think I have skin that might like to be hydrated, do they? I'll be the one who decides whether my skin gets hydrated or not, thank you very much.

The last product is Paula's Choice Skin Perfecting 2% BHA Liquid. This is, perhaps, the most disappointing product in this month's beauty box. The internet loves Paula's Choice, but who is Paula? And why should I accept her choice? What are her qualifications for making this choice? What did she choose from? And what does BHA stand for? I don't know, but I can only assume the worst.

My free samples from Blush this month are: a small packet of nettoyant pour le visage de First Aid Beauty, and a small packet of moisturizing body lotion from Amlactin that doesn't have one word of French on the packet. :(

In sum, this month's Blush Mystery Beauty Box is the most disappointing thing I have ever experienced. It has harmed my home and my health. Yet I will continue to suffer this burden on a monthly basis.

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