This month's revealed item is: a freaky-looking mask. Do you like Phantom of the Opera? Well you're in luck, because with this month's Blush Mystery Beauty Box, you can BE the phantom! This is a face mask, but with an actual mask. Okay.
What else do you think will be in the box!!! Here's what I'm hoping for:
- Something for ears. So far I've gotten nothing for my ears. My ears exist too! Why aren't there any lotions or scrubs or masks for your ears? Are you supposed to use face stuff on ears? They make separate stuff for necks and chests and feet, but not ears? No way! Come on, beauty industry.
- Toothpaste, because somehow I lost mine. I hope we get toothpaste that's strong enough for the teeth of a man but pH-balanced for the teeth of a woman.
- Fingernail clippers. The best thing for keeping your fingernails short is teeth, but when you can't use those because of physician-strength fingernail polish, you'll need very sharp fingernail clippers.
- Pink toilet paper, because ladies shouldn't have to always use white toilet paper.
- Deodorant. I've been using this one kind and I'm not sure it works. I mean, it doesn't work.
- Implements, for implementing stuff.
- Record player. I think I might want to have a record player at work.
- New bike. A fine lady can never have too many bikes.
- The Who Live at the Royal Albert Hall DVD. This is really good. I don't care if you don't like The Who.
- Hair spray. I have a small travel-sized bottle of hair spray but the sprayer doesn't work anymore. It's not clogged, it just doesn't work anymore. I use hair spray twice a year and one of those instances could pop up at any time and some fancy hair spray would please me.
- Protein powder, for all of our weight-lifting needs.
I've really put the Osmosis Skincare Harmonized H20 for Digestive Health to the test by eating a lot of burritos lately. Has the harmonized water normalized my bowel functions? That is a question to which you will never know the answer, because a fine lady does not discuss her bowel functions with strangers on the internet. Did you know that the Osmosis Skincare company makes harmonized water for a wide variety of functions? They have one that will increase the SPF of your skin so you don’t have to wear sunblock anymore. Wow! I really hope they're working on one that will make you glow in the dark - that would be very useful for runners in the winter.
I can't explain it but I really like the Le Edge razy thing. Someone on the internet said they like it because they have sensitive skin that reacts to most exfoliants. The Le Edge razy thing probably won't irritate your skin because it's a piece of stainless steel. Also it won't make your shower all scummy like some sugar scrubs and other exfoliants. I just like this thing, okay? Miranda doesn’t, but I think we can all agree that she doesn't know anything.
I like the Klorane Leave-In Cream even though when it's wet it smells like a man's cologne from the '70s. When it's dry it doesn't smell like anything. It makes my hair very soft and very good. This is a large bottle. It will last years.
I used up all of the Murad Advanced Active Radiance Serum. It was fine. I don't know if it did anything. Sometimes, some of these things, as long as they don't irritate your skin they're good. I don't know if anything actually ever does anything great for me. I still look the same. But maybe slightly more radiant, I don’t know.
The Glytone Hydrate Eye Cream is fine. It would be so much fancier if it were a crème rather than a cream, though. This tube will last a long time. On the package it says it's "exclusive to physicians", which doesn't make any sense to me at all. Does anyone go to their physician for help in picking out an eye cream? Or does everyone do that and I'm missing something?
I've started using the Goldfaden MD Wake Up Call. It’s fine. MD may stand for "medical doctor", so, again, this is a product vaguely associated with medicine, which means it's good. I guess everyone else does go to their doctor for their beauty products. Am I doing this personal care stuff wrong? Should I have talked with my doctor about beauty boxes? Should I make an appointment every month when I get a beauty box so my doctor and I can look at the products together? What kind of nail polish would a doctor prescribe? I've prescribed purple fingernail polish for myself but what if I'm actually doing more harm than good?
Last week I used the Miracle Skin Transformer Face SPF 20 from the October box. This is tinted stuff to put on your face. It made me uncomfortable existentially. It makes you look like a plastic ghost. Yeah, I don't want blotches or spots or other dastardly things on my face but I don't want my skin to look uniformly one color. That's creepy. Noses aren't the same as cheeks, you know? I don't like this idea of "perfection" at all. I don't want to walk around looking all plastic perfect all day. And I don't want there to be a huge difference between my plastic daytime face and my clean nighttime face. I can't imagine anything more depressing. Yuck. I'm really kind of disturbed by this. That said, I suppose this Miracle Skin Transformer Face SPF 20 stuff does what it says it will do. I don't have any problems with the product, just with the concept.
I've also used the Colorescience Sunforgettable Face Primer SPF 30 from August - a similar concept to the Miracle Skin Transformer, but less total plastic and more ghosty. And ehh. I say ehh to both. I suppose some people will like these, and I suppose I also like them in a certain way. Some days you feel gross and blotchy and it's nice to have some kind of crap all over your face. I guess I'm just an idiot who doesn't know how to use foundation. Or primer. I don’t even know what the difference is.
FINGERNAIL POLISH SHOWDOWN
Julep nail polish is 4-free, which means there are four bad things that aren't in it. Butter nail polish is 3-free, which means there are three bad things that aren't in it. Four is one more than three, so Julep wins. The Julep polishes took an awful long time to dry, much longer than the Butter and LVX polishes, so Butter and LVX win there. I'm wearing the coral-pinky Butter polish today. If it weren't such an awful color it would be fine. "Butter" is a gross name for a beauty product company. Butter is butter, not beauty products. My number one nail polish is still the LVX purple nail polish. Late-breaking update: Oh god! I just found out that LVX nail polish is 5-free! It’s free of FIVE bad things! LVX! Huge winner! There isn’t even a contest here.
I guess I'm not getting another Julep box until the end of February. So confusing. I thought I'd get the intro box, and then the February box. Or the January box. Or whichever one they just sent out. I don't know what's going on.